Whenever people first find out that my mom is no longer with me, their reaction is usually one of sympathy, or even empathy. It used to be a sort of consolation for me, like "Oh, woe is me, feel for me, I am a fragile broken thing." I used to cry when people offered me piteous looks and comforting words.

But now I know that it has happened for a reason, and that everyone's presence in my life is for one reason only: it is in His plan. So I no longer feel sadness engulf me when I tell people that my mom has passed. As they hug me, comfort me, encourage me, all I feel now is the unwavering love from my Father, and everyone's concern for me as a sister in this community.

It's a wonderful feeling.

"'Cause I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
On what I know I'm capable of
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
'Cause I'm just trying to be a better version of me for you

You never cease to supply me
With what I need for a good life
So when I'm down I'll hold my head up high
'Cause you're the reason why
You're why I'm on the up and up."

---Relient K, "Up And Up"

I'd rather forget and not slow down...

...than gather regret for the things I can't change now.

The above is a lyric by Relient K and I can't express how much their music has spoken to me since years ago.

And it speaks to me more than ever now, as the words wash over my senses and bring a feeling of peace to my once-troubled mind.

Lately I've made a life-changing decision, and it feels like the best thing that ever happened to me since my mom left me here alone in this vast world. I have my family and friends, of course, but to me, a mother's love can never be replicated.

Hence, I haven't been able to feel happy from within since February. On the surface level I can be pretty lame and loud as usual, and I do feel great when I'm hanging out with friends or just eating dinner with my cousins, but I know that once I'm at home in my room, I'd feel alone again.

It's all different now.

Instead of despairing that no one else will love me the way my mother did, I feel hope.
I feel hope in life, in love, in laughter.
Instead of pining over wasted days with my mom, I feel calm.
I feel calm because I know she is in a better place now, and I accept that.
Instead of getting mad at my dad for being him, I feel forgiveness.
I forgive him because he is just as lost as I was.

Revisiting old Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and Relient K songs makes me realize how much they've influenced my way of thinking all this time. I don't know how different (or not different) my life would be without them, but I thank God for their existence. It'd be cool if you want to give them a listen, to see if you can understand why I can't stop raving about them, but I'm gonna stop pushing them to you because they deserve a sincerely eager audience.

Hit me up for song recommendations if you dare! (I have way too many.)

Searching

Recently I've come to the conclusion that ever since my mom passed, I'd been lost. I had been searching for something to hold on to. It felt like I was bobbing around in the vast ocean, trying my hardest not to sink.

I discovered that I was broken. Something inside me had been smashed, and I was afraid to admit it. Along with that came the realization that my mom had probably been broken too. She broke when her mom passed. She'd been holding her mom's death against one of my family members for years and she never got over it. I don't want that. I don't want to be broken forever.

Right now it just feels like there is no one left in this massive, busy world to love me unconditionally like my mom did. Not even my father. She meant the world to me, and when she left this world, my world left too.

But I'm getting better, I swear. I've always felt like I belonged in this community. In a way I've believed in Him like I've believed in Allah. I believe all of them exist, to the people that believe in them. I'm not sure if that makes me unqualified to become a Chrisrian, but I am adamant that everyone has the right to put their faith in whomever/whatever they choose.

Lately I've started praying. Just to see if anything happens. And I don't know for sure if it's His work (only time will tell), but I asked for a miracle, and tonight he gave me a glimpse of it. More like a preview, really. If it does work out in the end, I'll know that my prayers worked. And for now, I have the strangest feeling that it will. The future doesn't frighten me as much as it did the past few weeks anymore.

I remember feeling a palpable fear of the next morning, every day. August had been both good and bad for me. It gave me the rest I'd needed, but failed to provide a clear view of my future. It was murky and the light that shone through the fog flickered when it should have been steady.

So now I've reached the wavering light, and it's given me a sense of purpose for the near future. But after a month or so, it's gonna waver like never before, and I'd need a lifeboat to take me to my next destination before the light goes completely dark.

I caught a glimpse of that lifeboat tonight, and I pray that it will lead me to where I need to be.

(Too many metaphors going on in this post, I know. I can explain them; just drop me a text!)

Church?

I finally attended my primary school friend Shu Ling's church service today, after so many months of unforeseen circumstances/cancellations. Seeing as I've attended quite a few of my bestie Sophia's church services before, the FCBC's service was nothing short of what I'd expected. One thing that did surprise me though, was how professional their live music sounded. More than once, I felt the familiar urge of wanting to put my hands up in a fit of musical epiphany. Those drums.

The company was superb as well, with many people greeting me earnestly and even praying for me (frankly I don't think I deserve all that much prayers)! (But yeah yeah "we accept the love we think we deserve" and all that jazz, so.)

Sometimes I get nauseated when I think about meeting new people and potential awkward situations, and end up losing sleep over imagined social disasters. Hardly anyone knows I get this way at all. But surprisingly (or not), when the occasion does arrive, I tend to make an okay impression on the new people I meet. Or at least, I hope I do. Because there are just so many things to consider when encountering new people!

My thought process beforehand usually goes like this:
1. How often can I laugh?
2. How loud can I laugh?
3. Should I try to make people laugh?
4. Do I tell them I have a small bladder?
5. If they don't laugh at my jokes, do I laugh at them myself?

What then happens:
1. Laugh way too loudly
2. Wonder if that was too loud
3. Decide not to care
4. Laugh again at something else and get shushed
5. Feel chastised
6. Repeat step 1

I've been told that I have an infectious/annoyingly loud/just plain annoying laugh, but at Sodagreen's concert, there were plenty of maniacal fans with crazier laughs than mine. So there. (So...I'm feeling a little unspecial now, so if you're hanging out with me in the very near future after this post, you should bring along a pair of earmuffs.)

For an unquantifiable amount of times, I have curbed the urge to think about her. Something would remind me of her, and I'd tell myself to think about other things: C'mon Cheryl, don't throw yet another pity party for your sorry self.

But there are also times when I let my mind loose and run rampant for no reason. No reason other than that I need to let loose. It's constricting to be inside my own mind, because I have too many voices in there telling me to suck it up. And the ones persuading me to indulge are just too meek to be taken seriously.

On nights (or mornings, seeing as it's past 3 now) like these, where I have no plans with friends, where I stay home and try to occupy my mind with endless films and television, I need to exhaust my brain to its fullest. Otherwise it'd be like what is happening right now: my mind wanders and I wonder what my future's gonna be. How stagnant I am. What makes me happy? Honestly, I have no idea. I used to think that having an insane amount of money would make me happy.

But what's money to me now, when the person I would want to splurge most of it on (besides myself, of course) is irrefutably gone?

My aunt and uncle were helping me clear the kitchen of its decades of junk today. And gosh was my mom a hoarder or what? We uncovered sooo many pots without lids and lids without pots. And I'll admit it now, it hit me hard when my aunt held up that heavy glass pot that my mom used to love cooking with. At least, before the days when she got too sick to do any cooking at all.

Now that pot is looking at early retirement, sadly.

Job or Career?

The decision has been made since eons ago. Maybe last year, perhaps. I never did plan to stay at this job for long, and two years have definitely been long enough.

I could say that the Most Annoying Person Ever (MAPE) was why I'm leaving, but it wouldn't be the absolute truth. He's a big factor in my leaving NOW, because if it hadn't been for him, I'd probably stay for a while longer. But the truth is that this isn't what I picture myself doing for years to come.

I know what I am not. I'm not cut out for administrative work. Even though I do love photocopying and emailing and printing stuff, I can't stare at a computer screen for hours and not get distracted by the Chrome icon. Which is why I'm writing this post now during work hours.

I don't know what I am just yet. Who else knows what they want to do with the rest of their life at age 22? (Maybe Taylor Swift.) I'm at a total loss. Sales seem to be a good calling now for me, but I have gotten so used to office hours and having my weekends free that I cringe when I think about shifts and off days and longer hours every day. Just trying to come up with an alternative to adminstrative jobs makes me groan with hopelessness. "I should just stay here until I've saved enough to quit for real."

Frankly, I don't deserve this job. They deserve someone better, someone more passionate about selling automobile parts and diligent in his/her inventory work. I just don't give enough of a damn. Also, I've been taking advantage of my relation to the boss (I'm his niece) by showing up ridiculously late every single day. He'd have fired me long ago if he had any less respect for my late mom.

So, to put it the considerate, Cheryl-is-an-angel way, I'm doing this company a favor by leaving. They can't get someone new who actually wants this job unless I'm gone, and they can't fire me. I'll be the bigger person here and let myself go.

To put it the other way, I'm leaving them in the lurch because I can't stand the thought of another endless month with MAPE. And the idea of my being bound to a dead-end desk job in which I have no interest whatsoever.

I'd rather be at a dead-end desk job under a company that does things I actually care about.

Okay, I'll do it by the end of July.

*Googles resignation letter templates*

Privacy

The bad thing about having a public profile on all my social networking platforms is that I have no outlet to express my melancholy without coming off as a self-absorbed person. Which I know I am.

I can't even tweet my feelings without chiding myself. Sometimes I'd just like to give myself a break, but that seems self-indulgent.

Why do I do things that I know will piss my friends off? I almost always do this. I piss them off both intentionally and unintentionally at the same time, if that makes any sense. Then I apologize profusely and get affronted if they don't forgive me right away. It's a horrible, eccentric cycle.

I don't want to do things for my birthday anymore. It makes me feel guilty and even more self-obsessed than I usually am.