Being at this job requires me to do a lot of research and reading, especially reading about positive mindsets and health information.

I've just read something on an e-book called The Millionaire's Brain, and it rang so true that I had to write it here, just for reference's sake.

It states that in order to rewire your brain to rid it of negative associations whenever money is mentioned, you need to tell yourself that you are "abundant in wealth." With every dollar you spend, more will come back to you.

The reason why this statement spoke to me was because I've recently been feeling that every time I thought about my finances. Ever since being shown the truth of God, I've learnt that He will provide for me no matter what. So I've stopped worrying about having less than a certain amount in my bank account like I always used to.

If you've known me since years ago, you would know that I used to always complain about my money troubles, wondering if I could make it till the end of the month with my measly pay and mega bills and responsibilities. And yet I still couldn't stop spending, so my bank balance depleted drastically just two weeks into a new month every time.

Now I've begun to let go of my financial situation and leaving it up to God. It doesn't matter if you're a free-thinker or if you have a different belief system; the core value is the same. Just let go of your worries. Sure, you can scrimp a little here and there, maybe not drink Starbucks every week and cut down on that post-lunch yogurt. But don't beat yourself up over every little thing you spend on, stop focusing on your diminishing bank balance.

I'm not saying to just squander all your money away without regard to your bank account, of course. What I mean is to feel okay about spending on necessary stuff. A movie once in a while won't really hurt that much, but weekly visits to cafes are probably not the best idea until you achieve financial stability.

And instead of thinking about that low balance in your account, focus on the multiple blessings in your life currently. Awesome friends, a sweet family, that charming auntie from the chicken rice stall, or even the nice stranger who held the lift door for you. Heck, you're alive, you have a roof over your head, Internet connection, able limbs and your five major senses. Shouldn't that be good enough to put a smile on your face? Money is nothing compared.

This doesn't mean that I'm perfectly worry-free financially, of course. I do acknowledge that my bank balance isn't where I want it to be just yet, but I also know that it will all be replenished eventually (at the end of the month). Why worry?

Even if you don't have an income right now, that's no cause for worry. It should scare you, but you shouldn't let that fear turn you into a worrisome, negative person. Be positive, and trust that it will all come to you soon enough. Positivity attracts more positivity!

Amazeballs

Do you ever get that feeling like, "OMG he likes [insert forgotten old movie/weird food flavor/obscure band] too? We're perfect for each other!!"

I get that every once in a while because a) I am easily excitable; b) I like a lot of things in general.

Sometimes I feel pangs of wistfulness as I scroll through news feeds on social media platforms, and realize that I share certain shockingly specific interests with some people. The wistful part is that we aren't closer friends but just casual acquaintances. We could be so much more!!!!

The similarities are so mind-blowingly coincidental that I can't help but proclaim us soulmates/BFFs in my head. But of course, life doesn't really work that way even though I try really hard to make it so.

I guess it goes to show how mysteriously God works. Because why Lord, why?

It's not to contradict my previous post about being content with where I am and not being in a relationship - I'm serious about that for sure. But I just can't resist wondering why these people aren't the one I'm waiting for.

Perhaps it's all about timing, perhaps it just isn't. Whatever it is, I've put my faith in Him and am learning not to worry. It's just jarring to know that we are still nothing more than casual hi-bye friends despite these coincidences. Amazing, maybe.

Life is just full of surprises. (God, too.)

Thankful

It's hilarious sometimes when I read through my older posts and realize the massive change of content. Just a few months back I'd been fawning over some guy; a few weeks before that I'd been infatuated with another one; for the past few years there's always been some guy or other.

But after finding God, there's been no rush. No more desperately hoping for some guy to sweep me off my feet.

The contrast of my mindsets then and now is pretty jarring. I mean, I still want someone to love and to hold till death do us part, but I don't need it right now. Right now I get to experience my walk with my Father on my own, and to improve myself as a person before I commit myself to a relationship. I have faith that there's someone planned for me, and that I will meet him when the time is right. Or maybe I've already met him. We'll never know till we know.

Meanwhile I'm just trying to figure out my place in this vast world just like everybody else. Career paths to embark on, friendships to forge, family members to love, music to discover, concerts to attend, books to read, films and shows to digest, cafes to hop; the list is endless. What's a girl to do except to do it all and enjoy the ride?

Now I'm just grateful for all the friends and family that add color to my everyday life.

Just as I'm ending this post at 6am on the first day of 2015, I hear my dad closing the noisy gate of our house. I throw my phone on the bed, rush out of my room and fling open the wooden door to see my dad.

He gets a shock at my sudden appearance in the wee hours of the morning, but as I say, "Happy new year, Pa," you can see a hint of a smile on his weary face.

Greeting my dad at the door as he leaves for another day at work, then going back to my room to finish up a blog post and submitting myself to a good morning's sleep (and probably afternoon). What is this, if not the best way to end a countdown to a new year?

Goodnight, good morning, and happy new year.

Whenever people first find out that my mom is no longer with me, their reaction is usually one of sympathy, or even empathy. It used to be a sort of consolation for me, like "Oh, woe is me, feel for me, I am a fragile broken thing." I used to cry when people offered me piteous looks and comforting words.

But now I know that it has happened for a reason, and that everyone's presence in my life is for one reason only: it is in His plan. So I no longer feel sadness engulf me when I tell people that my mom has passed. As they hug me, comfort me, encourage me, all I feel now is the unwavering love from my Father, and everyone's concern for me as a sister in this community.

It's a wonderful feeling.

"'Cause I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
On what I know I'm capable of
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
'Cause I'm just trying to be a better version of me for you

You never cease to supply me
With what I need for a good life
So when I'm down I'll hold my head up high
'Cause you're the reason why
You're why I'm on the up and up."

---Relient K, "Up And Up"

I'd rather forget and not slow down...

...than gather regret for the things I can't change now.

The above is a lyric by Relient K and I can't express how much their music has spoken to me since years ago.

And it speaks to me more than ever now, as the words wash over my senses and bring a feeling of peace to my once-troubled mind.

Lately I've made a life-changing decision, and it feels like the best thing that ever happened to me since my mom left me here alone in this vast world. I have my family and friends, of course, but to me, a mother's love can never be replicated.

Hence, I haven't been able to feel happy from within since February. On the surface level I can be pretty lame and loud as usual, and I do feel great when I'm hanging out with friends or just eating dinner with my cousins, but I know that once I'm at home in my room, I'd feel alone again.

It's all different now.

Instead of despairing that no one else will love me the way my mother did, I feel hope.
I feel hope in life, in love, in laughter.
Instead of pining over wasted days with my mom, I feel calm.
I feel calm because I know she is in a better place now, and I accept that.
Instead of getting mad at my dad for being him, I feel forgiveness.
I forgive him because he is just as lost as I was.

Revisiting old Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and Relient K songs makes me realize how much they've influenced my way of thinking all this time. I don't know how different (or not different) my life would be without them, but I thank God for their existence. It'd be cool if you want to give them a listen, to see if you can understand why I can't stop raving about them, but I'm gonna stop pushing them to you because they deserve a sincerely eager audience.

Hit me up for song recommendations if you dare! (I have way too many.)

Searching

Recently I've come to the conclusion that ever since my mom passed, I'd been lost. I had been searching for something to hold on to. It felt like I was bobbing around in the vast ocean, trying my hardest not to sink.

I discovered that I was broken. Something inside me had been smashed, and I was afraid to admit it. Along with that came the realization that my mom had probably been broken too. She broke when her mom passed. She'd been holding her mom's death against one of my family members for years and she never got over it. I don't want that. I don't want to be broken forever.

Right now it just feels like there is no one left in this massive, busy world to love me unconditionally like my mom did. Not even my father. She meant the world to me, and when she left this world, my world left too.

But I'm getting better, I swear. I've always felt like I belonged in this community. In a way I've believed in Him like I've believed in Allah. I believe all of them exist, to the people that believe in them. I'm not sure if that makes me unqualified to become a Chrisrian, but I am adamant that everyone has the right to put their faith in whomever/whatever they choose.

Lately I've started praying. Just to see if anything happens. And I don't know for sure if it's His work (only time will tell), but I asked for a miracle, and tonight he gave me a glimpse of it. More like a preview, really. If it does work out in the end, I'll know that my prayers worked. And for now, I have the strangest feeling that it will. The future doesn't frighten me as much as it did the past few weeks anymore.

I remember feeling a palpable fear of the next morning, every day. August had been both good and bad for me. It gave me the rest I'd needed, but failed to provide a clear view of my future. It was murky and the light that shone through the fog flickered when it should have been steady.

So now I've reached the wavering light, and it's given me a sense of purpose for the near future. But after a month or so, it's gonna waver like never before, and I'd need a lifeboat to take me to my next destination before the light goes completely dark.

I caught a glimpse of that lifeboat tonight, and I pray that it will lead me to where I need to be.

(Too many metaphors going on in this post, I know. I can explain them; just drop me a text!)

Church?

I finally attended my primary school friend Shu Ling's church service today, after so many months of unforeseen circumstances/cancellations. Seeing as I've attended quite a few of my bestie Sophia's church services before, the FCBC's service was nothing short of what I'd expected. One thing that did surprise me though, was how professional their live music sounded. More than once, I felt the familiar urge of wanting to put my hands up in a fit of musical epiphany. Those drums.

The company was superb as well, with many people greeting me earnestly and even praying for me (frankly I don't think I deserve all that much prayers)! (But yeah yeah "we accept the love we think we deserve" and all that jazz, so.)

Sometimes I get nauseated when I think about meeting new people and potential awkward situations, and end up losing sleep over imagined social disasters. Hardly anyone knows I get this way at all. But surprisingly (or not), when the occasion does arrive, I tend to make an okay impression on the new people I meet. Or at least, I hope I do. Because there are just so many things to consider when encountering new people!

My thought process beforehand usually goes like this:
1. How often can I laugh?
2. How loud can I laugh?
3. Should I try to make people laugh?
4. Do I tell them I have a small bladder?
5. If they don't laugh at my jokes, do I laugh at them myself?

What then happens:
1. Laugh way too loudly
2. Wonder if that was too loud
3. Decide not to care
4. Laugh again at something else and get shushed
5. Feel chastised
6. Repeat step 1

I've been told that I have an infectious/annoyingly loud/just plain annoying laugh, but at Sodagreen's concert, there were plenty of maniacal fans with crazier laughs than mine. So there. (So...I'm feeling a little unspecial now, so if you're hanging out with me in the very near future after this post, you should bring along a pair of earmuffs.)