用可樂 冰你溫暖的臉 (Cooling your warm cheek with a can of Coke)
你的笑總是意外的甜 (Your smile is always surprisingly sweet)

Gah, I have no talent for translating Chinese lyrics, seriously.

I really like how simple yet poetic the lyrics are, though. The image it conjures up in my head is purely feel-good and makes me want to frolic on the beach. And cycle. And swim. And dance. And eat. The list is endless, just like the song's title, which is called Turning The Pages Of The Endless Summer?? Oh god I need to brush up on translation skills.

Since my new phone has died for now (you lousy piece of overpriced plastic and microchips), I have resorted to blankly staring at the computer screen downstairs for an indeterminate amount of time. Or I disappear upstairs to stealthily use the computer there for maximum slackage. As I am doing now.

When will lunch time ever come?

It takes two fucking hands to clap.

Ohana

I should never have underestimated these people's dedication and sweetness. It's almost diabetic except that it isn't unhealthy for you. In fact, the greater the dosage, the better.

On some days I wonder if I'm a good person. On days like today, I figure I must be good enough because I have a bunch of crazy, loving friends that make me aspire to be so much more, just so I can be wholly deserving of their affection.

To dear Mervis, my unrelenting mentor and whimsical partner-in-crime, may your vivacity never waver. Your best quality is your love for life and all it has to offer. The way you seem to reach right into my heart and know all the things I didn't even know myself is just uncannily precious. Thank you for all the effort in everything you do for me (and the others), especially all the cherished hours of sleep and gas mileage that were sacrificed hahahaha. Please know that they are not in vain and are always appreciated.

To dear Aziee, my twin in all things nail polish, everyday gossip, and Doraemon, who has stuck by me since before I even met the others, I know I can always count on you for anything. Every time that our eyes meet in silent laughter over something stupidly hilarious, I feel blessed to have met this twin sister I never had. May there be ceaseless gushing about cute boys and gorgeous nail colors, and I can only pray that we will simply grow into old ladies and not old bimbos together HAHAHA.

To dear Lesley, my adooorable karaoke kaki and surprisingly fierce bargain hunter, may we have decades more of inappropriate singing out loud, planning of surprises, and fantasies of Disney fairytales. The seaweed may be greener in somebody else's lake, but the seaweed in my lake is the best shade of green because you are in it. #lessyndrome is the only syndrome I wouldn't mind suffering. Thank you for being my angel with hidden devilish horns. *huggies and pampers*

To dear Lava, my wonderful enabler of excessive accessorizing, may the times we share be as meaningful and tremendously fun as they always have been. It's not easy to see you on a regular basis, but during times that I do, I feel like no time or distance has passed between us. Your laughter is often the fuel for my lame humor and it's as if you emanate sincerity from your very core. (Now is not a good time to reveal that all along you were just laughing politely. No, Lava, NO.) Thank you for just being the person that you are.

To dear Faisal, my constant source of new music and weirdly fabulous diva moves, days spent with you are always remembered fondly. From your insinuations to your preferences to your sometimes too-loud-too-sudden yelling of alien language, it's been a blast having you in my life so far and I hope that you get more pakcik sandals because lately your shoes are too legit for me to mock. *winks virtually because in real life I can only do it to a wall* Okay seriously, thank you for all the times you have said I'm fine just the way I am.

To dear Eugene, my preferred person to pick a fight with, may our exchanges of wit and sarcasm be endless because I know ultimately you mean the best for me and this is our special way of communicating. Please know that everything I say usually needs to be taken with copious amounts of salt and that you don't need anyone to validate you, because you are awesome in your own right. Patience is a virtue that you encompass more than anyone I know, and for that I am thankful for having you in my life because god knows one needs patience and tolerance to deal with me on a long-term basis. *sheepish grin*

To dear Irwan, my favorite Malay singer and English singer and sometimes-Pinoy, may the music and movies and puns with you never end because life is too short to be spent in seriousness (#YOLO). Your greatest asset is your ability to balance humility and pride, coupled with sizzling charm. Don't ever let any girl break your heart because other (fan)girls are probably getting their hearts broken by you! I'm perpetually grateful for your presence because frankly, you up my street cred with other friends HAHAHAHA.

There. My gratitude and love in seven individual paragraphs. Words cannot fully express my every sentiment so just know that you all are important to me and helped me develop into the camwhore that I sort of am now.

Sorry if you were expecting a touching closing sentence. This is me, trolling.

Procrastinating before my assignment because I feel too much

Sometimes I think I'm pretty chill, other times - such as today - I tend to overdramatize.

There shouldn't be any difference between these two people, but there is. One is an entitled douche, the other is a beloved - albeit bossy - cousin. I willingly put my pride aside when it comes to the latter but with the douche, I feel like my pride has been forcefully taken from me.

I have yet to experience romantic heartbreak, but I can't imagine anything feeling worse than having my pride and dignity stripped from me. Beggars are human too.

Not that I'm trying to belittle people who beg for a living by comparing my family to them, but in a way we are all beggars trying to stay alive in this world.

I do believe that nobody can make me feel inferior unless I let them. But I'm not strong all the time. It's hard to stay upbeat when it's an internal struggle just to feel sad. I feel guilty when I'm wallowing in self-pity because there are people with no drinking water out there and here I am, wailing about my pride. Sure, everybody's self-centered, but sometimes I wonder if I'm too much of a narcissist like my two best friends always say I am. (And yes, I am being a little sarcastic here because I am still hurt that they say that to my face. I could defend myself but that's being narcissistic too.)

What does the universe want from me? I just want to be able to go to concerts and eat nice food and have good company but money gets in the way of everything. So does pride. Damned things.

Blood

My heart broke back in my [even] younger days when my mother called me during class, crying her throat hoarse. All because her pride had been trampled on by a judgmental stranger. And I wept, for her pride and my own, because what daughter would be okay with being helpess while her mother bawls hopelessly?

That was the day when I realized fully how much it broke me. It being my dad's mistakes and my complacency and my mom's wilful ignorance.

It got to the point where I was so jaded that I laughed at their splashes of paint and called them artistic attempts.

You could say I was positive and unwilling for life to keep me down but now I feel like I'm not as hopeful as I once was. I don't know what's gotten into me. When I'm with friends I feel perfectly fine but the times when I go all broody and sick of life are becoming much too frequent.

And I feel guilt.
It weighs me down.
I spend my money on frivolous, selfish satisfactions. Like concerts, CDs, good food, brithdays, movies, etc.
It'd be prudent of me to put that money towards paying off my home, but the mere thought of passing up a concert of my beloved bands makes me want to sob in anguish.

So I'm perpetually in between wanting to blame my family and myself. I know I shouldn't blame anything or anyone and that I should make the best of my situation and be all glass half-full but sometimes I want to smash that freaking glass against a wall and hope nobody steps on the shards. Because then I'd be blamed for real.

That doesn't even make any sense.

Brunch, dunch, linner, dinper, supner

Dinner time came and went and I hadn't eaten a bite. Naturally, I'd started whining. But the project at hand was important so I'd stopped myself from grabbing dinner (also, to save money).

When we ended our discussion, it was already 9pm. I reiterated my whining about our lack of dinner and my Malay friend commented, "Is it a Chinese thing? That you must have dinner at dinner time? Because I realized my other Chinese friends are the same."

Which led me to ponder: is it really a cultural difference, or just disparities in our upbringing?

I replied without much thinking, "Maybe it's because my family has always made me eat at certain timings?" To which my other groupmate rebuked (albeit jokingly), "Eh what are you trying to say? Our families don't feed us?"

For most Chinese families [that I know of] it has always been this way. We had to eat breakfast in the morning; lunch at lunch time; dinner during dinner time. Any meal skipped or had in between those timings would be considered "不三不四" ("not three not four" which basically means "neither here nor there").

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems that Malay families are more relaxed about meal times. For example, my groupmate's family wouldn't get angry at him if he ate lunch later than they did; they'd just be chill about it. Most of my Chinese friends' families (including my own) would throw a bitch fit. It's a crazy thing to be angry about, really, but I'm just so used to it that when I'm out with my friends, I feel compelled to get food into my system when meal times hit. (Yes, I am aware that that is also just my personality.)

It's interesting to note that this could be a cultural difference and not just a personal thing. Makes me feel like less of a glutton, probably.

But I have been adopting this "eat when you can" philosophy instead of my usual "eat when it's time" recently, and it drives my mom mad. On Sundays when I wake up in the late afternoon - too late for lunch, too early for dinner - my mom is so livid at me that she goes off on a tirade about how I'm killing myself and at the same time getting fat because I screwed up my metabolism. I just go, "LOL Ma. You're overreacting."

Not a smart thing to say to an overreacting mother.

So now I have learnt to wake up at a time that's still acceptable for lunch. Or dinner. Nothing in between. It's like a minefield of meal times.

Exhaustion

Defensiveness is a bitch. I never knew that being defensive would lead to so many problems but it has, and I can't help it. It stems from a psychological issue of feeling inferior or having low self-esteem or just the feeling of being judged. However, most times the other party doesn't even mean anything but one takes it out of context based on one's insecurity/guilt and things spiral out of control.

I may not be making sense but it's perfectly clear in my head. Human emotion sucks.