Be Confident

I cringe whenever I hear someone say, "Ugh she shouldn't wear that, look at her fats!" or something equally mean about a passer-by.

Perhaps as a joke in between close friends who know better and that it's only meant as a joke - that's absolutely fine.

But I have known some people in my life who sprinkle judgmental statements like that without thinking (or worse, what if they'd thought it through and decided to say it anyway?) and it always kills me a little inside.

It's bad enough that you're criticizing a stranger's appearance, but now you wanna put it out into the universe and see if I agree?

No way, José.

Beauty is subjective, just like art. Everyone has their own definition of it, so no matter what, you can't be perfect to everyone all at once. There is bound to be someone who thinks you look bad. It could be your own mother, too.

Therefore it doesn't make sense that we criticize others' appearances just because they don't fit into our perceived notion of beauty. How would you feel if you left the house feelin' fine and somebody commented that you didn't look as good as you thought you did?

So I say, if you think you look good, then you look good. It doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks (yes, not even your mother) because in the end, it's your opinion of yourself that truly matters. Sure, it's tough to be confident when someone just dumped a bucket of water over your head, but just remember what you loved about your outfit in the first place - those new earrings, that cool shirt, these fabulous pants - and just work it, gurl. (Or dude.)

Everything else is just noise.

The End Of Slack As We Know It

So a CCTV has been installed right behind me.
How can I still type this post, you ask?

There's a computer upstairs where nobody goes. The height of my desire to slack has become so overbearing that I willingly climbed stairs multiple times to come up here and surf various social websites.

Right now I have some actual data to enter into the system so I should probably stop typing...right...now...

Who am I kidding?

Being on Tumblr made me long for tattoo sleeves but just the thought of a needle poking through my skin and the droplets of blood forming - it gives me shivers up and down my spine. So now I'd settle for a boyfriend with tattoo sleeves. C'mon, any takers?

Bye July

I feel like I've been indulging too much this entire month because my family was making such a big deal about my 21st birthday. Which kind of stressed me out because I didn't want them to inconvenience themselves (it's fine when friends do it but somehow for family you feel like you owe them). Anyway it all turned out for the best because now I can check "Buy gold" off my list!

It's amazing to realize how much effort it must have taken everyone to surprise me (repeatedly, too) for my birthday because I've been in cahoots with them for so many other surprises! Everyone's just...wonderful. How do I deserve this much love?

Thinking back on all my birthdays I realize I have been really blessed. The people I love always made time for me. Old friends hide insults within birthday messages and that always makes me laugh. In my book, if we can insult each other jovially without the need to say "I'm kidding", we have become real friends.

Right now I'm feeling mushy typing all this and I just want to hug all my friends and bawl my eyes out.

Or it could just be the paint fumes at my work place.

Turning 21

I should probably wait till the day is over to write this post, but I'm itching to pen down my emotions.

Firstly, I'm so lucky that I decided on MDIS instead of Kaplan or who-knows-where-else. And that the timing was fortuitous enough that I could meet people like this crazy, sweet bunch.

Second, my dearest partners-in-crime (the Nun and The Evil Master) are really spoiling me.
I feel like I don't deserve all this affection sometimes because it's so overwhelming. I make mistakes repeatedly and we get into heated discussions or bad moods with each other, but they always forgive me readily and I know all they want is the best for me. And people say it's the thought that counts and not the price of the gifts, but to me it's like shit man, they are willing to spend beyond their usual means just to make me happy on my birthday. The price definitely adds significantly to the thought.
(That crazy bunch in the previous paragraph also spoils me. I realized I never have to pay for stuff when I'm out with them. #sheepish)

Third, my seemingly bipolar mom. She's always there for me or sometimes too there for me but nothing can beat unconditional love.

As the day goes on, I'm receiving birthday texts and each one makes my heart swell with gratitude and warmth. It's times like these when I feel happy to be alive.
__________________________________________________

It's already Wednesday now, and I'm happy to say that this was indeed a memorable (in both good and bad ways) birthday.

Drama was still inevitable because my family basically personifies the word, but all in all I felt loved by everyone, especially when my uncle ambushed me with a kiss on the cheek and when my cousins + nephew bombarded my face with cream.

I'll just rant about the bad parts somewhere else.

PMS? Probably.

My mood was quite upbeat today despite my workload because I had a few hours of class to look forward to.

School for me isn't the drag it always used to be. Gone are the days of sleeping in class or silently counting down the minutes till I can go home. This time class has become so much fun that I would actually decline friends' invitations for outings in favor of going to school.

Now before I get accused of preferring my new friends and ditching the old ones, I would rather go to class because I have paid for it and the friends are a great bonus. So nowadays I only skip class for valid reasons and not: "Hmm it's raining...would be nice to sleep. Okay I'll skip class and go home instead."

Sometimes I did miss classes in the past for valid (albeit stupid) reasons: I took wrong buses (yes, plural) or missed my stop by a whole lot or whatever. But I never felt bad about it and was quite nonchalant about the whole affair.

Now it's so different. I was torn between going to class this Thursday and for my friend Rachel's meet-up but have since decided to attend the latter. I haven't seen her for a year!

Anyway, my point is that going to school always cheers me up these days. After work today, somebody texted me and the whole situation was so dire and I felt completely maligned. It was a shitty feeling.

It's amazing how this person can make me feel so utterly hateful and inferior and dumb a lot of the time but when she's in a good mood and being nice to me, I can wholly forget about how I felt. We have so much history together but sometimes when she threatens to end it I feel like it's a waste. Years of friendship should be enough to be the glue of the years to come, shouldn't they?

Sometimes I wonder if it's worth all the bad feelings. Does the good outweigh the bad? Because the bad really engulfs me in waves of sadness. It makes me think, "What is the point?"

I get that it's my mistakes that usually spark the arguments. But if you weren't such a shitty communicator, I wouldn't make as many mistakes as I did. You were at your last nerve, but so was I at mine.

Thank god I had school today. The lady facing me on the bus got quite uncomfortable having to watch me wipe away tears and decided to just blatantly stare after some awkward eye-shifting. In hindsight, that was kind of funny.

Luckily my dear classmate arrived in school just as I finished my breakdown and my mood cheered considerably. These are times when I wonder if I am bipolar.

I spent the entire lesson eating. Shared food is my safe haven. I say shared because when I'm depressed and alone, I can't eat a thing. But in front of others, when they offer me food, I feel the kindness and warmth being offered. Even if they didn't mean anything by the gesture, it means the world to me. In my opinion, sharing is caring. It really is.

Serious Addiction Maybe?

Work is mundane as usual, but due to lack of proper sleep, I am easily irritable today.

And boy, are people irritating.

Nonetheless, I have derived a solution: nail polish.

Watsons has a sale going on right now until 15 July, and every time I enter a store expecting the things I want to be on sale, they never are. So yesterday I strolled into the Watsons at Plaza Singapura, not expecting anything at all, and BAM! Sally Hansen was on sale.

*Cue glitter confetti*

I got Peachy Keen at $14.95 instead of $19.90. It's a 25% discount!

Was pretty excited about it until an hour ago, when I searched for Sally Hansen on Qoo10. There's someone selling the exact same color at $11.90, in a 1-for-1 promotion.

Yes, my mood is so sunken right now.

Thank goodness I have a metaphorical lifebuoy, which is that nail polish is nail polish. So I don't regret buying it, but I lament that the fact that it could have been cheaper.

Now I'm waiting for that seller to restock the colors that I want so that I can yell, "YAY I GOT THEM CHEAP!"

Work Woes

I really thought I was making progress in handling my emotions at work. But I guess the universe just likes to disappoint me over and over again. This time it isn't the usual suspect who's pissing me off.

For fear of this being read by the actual perpetrator, I shan't name any names or positions here. This particular dude (oops I just revealed the gender; do I even care?) thinks it's perfectly fine to be condescending, like I'm lacking the ability of cognition and understanding.

"Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?"
"English, motherfucker, do you speak it?"

These are what I perceive him to be saying. It's comic relief for myself, mainly. I can pretend he's trying to channel Rush Hour or Pulp Fiction and failing miserably, thus making himself look stupid. If not, I'd be bawling my eyes out in the bathroom trying to determine what I was doing with my life.

I did not wade through all that shit in life just to be the target of your subtle bullying. Sometimes I pity you. You're born with a silver spoon in your mouth, you still have your health, you got married and had kids and have a good career going, etc. But do you realize that you still act like a child sometimes? And that a lot of the times we can't stand the way you speak to us? You should read books on how to effectively motivate your staff. Condescension isn't it.

Heck, I just gave it all away. If you're reading this, don't fire me. Unless it's with severance pay.