For an unquantifiable amount of times, I have curbed the urge to think about her. Something would remind me of her, and I'd tell myself to think about other things: C'mon Cheryl, don't throw yet another pity party for your sorry self.

But there are also times when I let my mind loose and run rampant for no reason. No reason other than that I need to let loose. It's constricting to be inside my own mind, because I have too many voices in there telling me to suck it up. And the ones persuading me to indulge are just too meek to be taken seriously.

On nights (or mornings, seeing as it's past 3 now) like these, where I have no plans with friends, where I stay home and try to occupy my mind with endless films and television, I need to exhaust my brain to its fullest. Otherwise it'd be like what is happening right now: my mind wanders and I wonder what my future's gonna be. How stagnant I am. What makes me happy? Honestly, I have no idea. I used to think that having an insane amount of money would make me happy.

But what's money to me now, when the person I would want to splurge most of it on (besides myself, of course) is irrefutably gone?

My aunt and uncle were helping me clear the kitchen of its decades of junk today. And gosh was my mom a hoarder or what? We uncovered sooo many pots without lids and lids without pots. And I'll admit it now, it hit me hard when my aunt held up that heavy glass pot that my mom used to love cooking with. At least, before the days when she got too sick to do any cooking at all.

Now that pot is looking at early retirement, sadly.