Turning 21

I should probably wait till the day is over to write this post, but I'm itching to pen down my emotions.

Firstly, I'm so lucky that I decided on MDIS instead of Kaplan or who-knows-where-else. And that the timing was fortuitous enough that I could meet people like this crazy, sweet bunch.

Second, my dearest partners-in-crime (the Nun and The Evil Master) are really spoiling me.
I feel like I don't deserve all this affection sometimes because it's so overwhelming. I make mistakes repeatedly and we get into heated discussions or bad moods with each other, but they always forgive me readily and I know all they want is the best for me. And people say it's the thought that counts and not the price of the gifts, but to me it's like shit man, they are willing to spend beyond their usual means just to make me happy on my birthday. The price definitely adds significantly to the thought.
(That crazy bunch in the previous paragraph also spoils me. I realized I never have to pay for stuff when I'm out with them. #sheepish)

Third, my seemingly bipolar mom. She's always there for me or sometimes too there for me but nothing can beat unconditional love.

As the day goes on, I'm receiving birthday texts and each one makes my heart swell with gratitude and warmth. It's times like these when I feel happy to be alive.
__________________________________________________

It's already Wednesday now, and I'm happy to say that this was indeed a memorable (in both good and bad ways) birthday.

Drama was still inevitable because my family basically personifies the word, but all in all I felt loved by everyone, especially when my uncle ambushed me with a kiss on the cheek and when my cousins + nephew bombarded my face with cream.

I'll just rant about the bad parts somewhere else.

PMS? Probably.

My mood was quite upbeat today despite my workload because I had a few hours of class to look forward to.

School for me isn't the drag it always used to be. Gone are the days of sleeping in class or silently counting down the minutes till I can go home. This time class has become so much fun that I would actually decline friends' invitations for outings in favor of going to school.

Now before I get accused of preferring my new friends and ditching the old ones, I would rather go to class because I have paid for it and the friends are a great bonus. So nowadays I only skip class for valid reasons and not: "Hmm it's raining...would be nice to sleep. Okay I'll skip class and go home instead."

Sometimes I did miss classes in the past for valid (albeit stupid) reasons: I took wrong buses (yes, plural) or missed my stop by a whole lot or whatever. But I never felt bad about it and was quite nonchalant about the whole affair.

Now it's so different. I was torn between going to class this Thursday and for my friend Rachel's meet-up but have since decided to attend the latter. I haven't seen her for a year!

Anyway, my point is that going to school always cheers me up these days. After work today, somebody texted me and the whole situation was so dire and I felt completely maligned. It was a shitty feeling.

It's amazing how this person can make me feel so utterly hateful and inferior and dumb a lot of the time but when she's in a good mood and being nice to me, I can wholly forget about how I felt. We have so much history together but sometimes when she threatens to end it I feel like it's a waste. Years of friendship should be enough to be the glue of the years to come, shouldn't they?

Sometimes I wonder if it's worth all the bad feelings. Does the good outweigh the bad? Because the bad really engulfs me in waves of sadness. It makes me think, "What is the point?"

I get that it's my mistakes that usually spark the arguments. But if you weren't such a shitty communicator, I wouldn't make as many mistakes as I did. You were at your last nerve, but so was I at mine.

Thank god I had school today. The lady facing me on the bus got quite uncomfortable having to watch me wipe away tears and decided to just blatantly stare after some awkward eye-shifting. In hindsight, that was kind of funny.

Luckily my dear classmate arrived in school just as I finished my breakdown and my mood cheered considerably. These are times when I wonder if I am bipolar.

I spent the entire lesson eating. Shared food is my safe haven. I say shared because when I'm depressed and alone, I can't eat a thing. But in front of others, when they offer me food, I feel the kindness and warmth being offered. Even if they didn't mean anything by the gesture, it means the world to me. In my opinion, sharing is caring. It really is.

Serious Addiction Maybe?

Work is mundane as usual, but due to lack of proper sleep, I am easily irritable today.

And boy, are people irritating.

Nonetheless, I have derived a solution: nail polish.

Watsons has a sale going on right now until 15 July, and every time I enter a store expecting the things I want to be on sale, they never are. So yesterday I strolled into the Watsons at Plaza Singapura, not expecting anything at all, and BAM! Sally Hansen was on sale.

*Cue glitter confetti*

I got Peachy Keen at $14.95 instead of $19.90. It's a 25% discount!

Was pretty excited about it until an hour ago, when I searched for Sally Hansen on Qoo10. There's someone selling the exact same color at $11.90, in a 1-for-1 promotion.

Yes, my mood is so sunken right now.

Thank goodness I have a metaphorical lifebuoy, which is that nail polish is nail polish. So I don't regret buying it, but I lament that the fact that it could have been cheaper.

Now I'm waiting for that seller to restock the colors that I want so that I can yell, "YAY I GOT THEM CHEAP!"

Work Woes

I really thought I was making progress in handling my emotions at work. But I guess the universe just likes to disappoint me over and over again. This time it isn't the usual suspect who's pissing me off.

For fear of this being read by the actual perpetrator, I shan't name any names or positions here. This particular dude (oops I just revealed the gender; do I even care?) thinks it's perfectly fine to be condescending, like I'm lacking the ability of cognition and understanding.

"Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?"
"English, motherfucker, do you speak it?"

These are what I perceive him to be saying. It's comic relief for myself, mainly. I can pretend he's trying to channel Rush Hour or Pulp Fiction and failing miserably, thus making himself look stupid. If not, I'd be bawling my eyes out in the bathroom trying to determine what I was doing with my life.

I did not wade through all that shit in life just to be the target of your subtle bullying. Sometimes I pity you. You're born with a silver spoon in your mouth, you still have your health, you got married and had kids and have a good career going, etc. But do you realize that you still act like a child sometimes? And that a lot of the times we can't stand the way you speak to us? You should read books on how to effectively motivate your staff. Condescension isn't it.

Heck, I just gave it all away. If you're reading this, don't fire me. Unless it's with severance pay.

Half Of Something Else

It amazes me how I can feel something stirring in my chest whenever I hear this song in the right mood.  A smile just forms on my face unwittingly and my heart swells with emotion. It triggers the melancholy in me but the strangest thing is that it makes me happy, too.




I don't know if I can ever
put this feeling down in words
But all I want is for you to know how I feel.

Books

Cheryl, you have got to stop buying more books when there are a whopping 19 of them waiting for you at home.

I think I have a problem.

Every time a band I like has a song that's based on a book, I set out to buy the book, eager to read the words that inspired the lyrics. But I always end up shelving the book after a few chapters in. It's a sickening habit: money is wasted, and I still don't know how the bands got inspired.

Also, I keep wanting to buy books recommended in articles or reviews or forums or wherever. But those that I have bought, I haven't read. And yet I am still browsing online bookstores and adding books to my wishlist.

Mission: To finish Erica Jong's Fear Of Flying ASAP. Whenever my iPod shuffles to the song Isadore by Incubus, I feel a tinge of annoyance at myself because I'm still stuck at Chapter Four.