Whenever people first find out that my mom is no longer with me, their reaction is usually one of sympathy, or even empathy. It used to be a sort of consolation for me, like "Oh, woe is me, feel for me, I am a fragile broken thing." I used to cry when people offered me piteous looks and comforting words.

But now I know that it has happened for a reason, and that everyone's presence in my life is for one reason only: it is in His plan. So I no longer feel sadness engulf me when I tell people that my mom has passed. As they hug me, comfort me, encourage me, all I feel now is the unwavering love from my Father, and everyone's concern for me as a sister in this community.

It's a wonderful feeling.

"'Cause I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
On what I know I'm capable of
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
'Cause I'm just trying to be a better version of me for you

You never cease to supply me
With what I need for a good life
So when I'm down I'll hold my head up high
'Cause you're the reason why
You're why I'm on the up and up."

---Relient K, "Up And Up"

I'd rather forget and not slow down...

...than gather regret for the things I can't change now.

The above is a lyric by Relient K and I can't express how much their music has spoken to me since years ago.

And it speaks to me more than ever now, as the words wash over my senses and bring a feeling of peace to my once-troubled mind.

Lately I've made a life-changing decision, and it feels like the best thing that ever happened to me since my mom left me here alone in this vast world. I have my family and friends, of course, but to me, a mother's love can never be replicated.

Hence, I haven't been able to feel happy from within since February. On the surface level I can be pretty lame and loud as usual, and I do feel great when I'm hanging out with friends or just eating dinner with my cousins, but I know that once I'm at home in my room, I'd feel alone again.

It's all different now.

Instead of despairing that no one else will love me the way my mother did, I feel hope.
I feel hope in life, in love, in laughter.
Instead of pining over wasted days with my mom, I feel calm.
I feel calm because I know she is in a better place now, and I accept that.
Instead of getting mad at my dad for being him, I feel forgiveness.
I forgive him because he is just as lost as I was.

Revisiting old Red Jumpsuit Apparatus and Relient K songs makes me realize how much they've influenced my way of thinking all this time. I don't know how different (or not different) my life would be without them, but I thank God for their existence. It'd be cool if you want to give them a listen, to see if you can understand why I can't stop raving about them, but I'm gonna stop pushing them to you because they deserve a sincerely eager audience.

Hit me up for song recommendations if you dare! (I have way too many.)