Searching

Recently I've come to the conclusion that ever since my mom passed, I'd been lost. I had been searching for something to hold on to. It felt like I was bobbing around in the vast ocean, trying my hardest not to sink.

I discovered that I was broken. Something inside me had been smashed, and I was afraid to admit it. Along with that came the realization that my mom had probably been broken too. She broke when her mom passed. She'd been holding her mom's death against one of my family members for years and she never got over it. I don't want that. I don't want to be broken forever.

Right now it just feels like there is no one left in this massive, busy world to love me unconditionally like my mom did. Not even my father. She meant the world to me, and when she left this world, my world left too.

But I'm getting better, I swear. I've always felt like I belonged in this community. In a way I've believed in Him like I've believed in Allah. I believe all of them exist, to the people that believe in them. I'm not sure if that makes me unqualified to become a Chrisrian, but I am adamant that everyone has the right to put their faith in whomever/whatever they choose.

Lately I've started praying. Just to see if anything happens. And I don't know for sure if it's His work (only time will tell), but I asked for a miracle, and tonight he gave me a glimpse of it. More like a preview, really. If it does work out in the end, I'll know that my prayers worked. And for now, I have the strangest feeling that it will. The future doesn't frighten me as much as it did the past few weeks anymore.

I remember feeling a palpable fear of the next morning, every day. August had been both good and bad for me. It gave me the rest I'd needed, but failed to provide a clear view of my future. It was murky and the light that shone through the fog flickered when it should have been steady.

So now I've reached the wavering light, and it's given me a sense of purpose for the near future. But after a month or so, it's gonna waver like never before, and I'd need a lifeboat to take me to my next destination before the light goes completely dark.

I caught a glimpse of that lifeboat tonight, and I pray that it will lead me to where I need to be.

(Too many metaphors going on in this post, I know. I can explain them; just drop me a text!)

Church?

I finally attended my primary school friend Shu Ling's church service today, after so many months of unforeseen circumstances/cancellations. Seeing as I've attended quite a few of my bestie Sophia's church services before, the FCBC's service was nothing short of what I'd expected. One thing that did surprise me though, was how professional their live music sounded. More than once, I felt the familiar urge of wanting to put my hands up in a fit of musical epiphany. Those drums.

The company was superb as well, with many people greeting me earnestly and even praying for me (frankly I don't think I deserve all that much prayers)! (But yeah yeah "we accept the love we think we deserve" and all that jazz, so.)

Sometimes I get nauseated when I think about meeting new people and potential awkward situations, and end up losing sleep over imagined social disasters. Hardly anyone knows I get this way at all. But surprisingly (or not), when the occasion does arrive, I tend to make an okay impression on the new people I meet. Or at least, I hope I do. Because there are just so many things to consider when encountering new people!

My thought process beforehand usually goes like this:
1. How often can I laugh?
2. How loud can I laugh?
3. Should I try to make people laugh?
4. Do I tell them I have a small bladder?
5. If they don't laugh at my jokes, do I laugh at them myself?

What then happens:
1. Laugh way too loudly
2. Wonder if that was too loud
3. Decide not to care
4. Laugh again at something else and get shushed
5. Feel chastised
6. Repeat step 1

I've been told that I have an infectious/annoyingly loud/just plain annoying laugh, but at Sodagreen's concert, there were plenty of maniacal fans with crazier laughs than mine. So there. (So...I'm feeling a little unspecial now, so if you're hanging out with me in the very near future after this post, you should bring along a pair of earmuffs.)