Searching

Recently I've come to the conclusion that ever since my mom passed, I'd been lost. I had been searching for something to hold on to. It felt like I was bobbing around in the vast ocean, trying my hardest not to sink.

I discovered that I was broken. Something inside me had been smashed, and I was afraid to admit it. Along with that came the realization that my mom had probably been broken too. She broke when her mom passed. She'd been holding her mom's death against one of my family members for years and she never got over it. I don't want that. I don't want to be broken forever.

Right now it just feels like there is no one left in this massive, busy world to love me unconditionally like my mom did. Not even my father. She meant the world to me, and when she left this world, my world left too.

But I'm getting better, I swear. I've always felt like I belonged in this community. In a way I've believed in Him like I've believed in Allah. I believe all of them exist, to the people that believe in them. I'm not sure if that makes me unqualified to become a Chrisrian, but I am adamant that everyone has the right to put their faith in whomever/whatever they choose.

Lately I've started praying. Just to see if anything happens. And I don't know for sure if it's His work (only time will tell), but I asked for a miracle, and tonight he gave me a glimpse of it. More like a preview, really. If it does work out in the end, I'll know that my prayers worked. And for now, I have the strangest feeling that it will. The future doesn't frighten me as much as it did the past few weeks anymore.

I remember feeling a palpable fear of the next morning, every day. August had been both good and bad for me. It gave me the rest I'd needed, but failed to provide a clear view of my future. It was murky and the light that shone through the fog flickered when it should have been steady.

So now I've reached the wavering light, and it's given me a sense of purpose for the near future. But after a month or so, it's gonna waver like never before, and I'd need a lifeboat to take me to my next destination before the light goes completely dark.

I caught a glimpse of that lifeboat tonight, and I pray that it will lead me to where I need to be.

(Too many metaphors going on in this post, I know. I can explain them; just drop me a text!)